I really do feel strange about this whole thing.
You see, here I am in a different country. WIth people I don’t know.
Well, except him.
And because I know him, there’s an inevitable sheet of comfort,
So, yes I laugh with him
Yes I do things for him
Yes I take care of him
And yes I like being with him
And it is no surprise that to the group, they think we are a couple. They tease us and make jokes.
It bothered me. It really did. I would simply say “It’s Dan”
You see, he and I hung out throughout the year on the weekends as a group. We partied together as a group and that’s how I knew him. Out of the group however, Dan and I were definately not the closest.
In fact, he and another girl in the group would get teased about being together, which he later told me that he in fact didn’t like her but thought it was fun and funny to flirt with her. Which I thought was kind of mean. But being here now, both of us with a bunch of people who don’t know us, it’s really weird being the girl he’s being teased about.
I never really thought of him as anything more than a friend. Shit, when I first met him I thought he looked like a twelve year old and was a complete tool.
But holy shit he has changed. Regardless, I never saw him as anything else while at school.
But, but now that I am here…now that I am here I still don’t…I didn’t come to this trip with any intentions. I didn’t like him on the trip. I thought we were just two friends going on the same May term who happen to be going on an extended vacation alone together after. That is it.
As the trip first started I was really excited to be on this trip with him because I knew him. He’s so goofy and makes me laugh. Then I had the chance to bond with everyone else in the group and fell completely in love with everyone else. Which, also meant that they fealt that they had the right to question me about him in a teasing manner. It bothered me.
Inevitably I started reflecting. I felt so strongly about not liking him and I wanted to figure out why.
He’s the kind of guy who will hand you the chip if you ask if you can have some.
He’s the guy who will use his own straw if you offer him some of your drink.
He’s the guy who will eat off your plate, but will not offer you to try his.
He’s not affectionate.
If I was to trip, he’d keep walking.
I felt like he wouldn’t mesh well with me and I want a guy who’s more ‘liberal’ or open minded or loosey goosey. I don’t know what word I am looking for here.
And I realized that this was what was totally restraining me from liking him. This was why I couldn’t see him as anything more than a friend. Which was fine because that’s just the way he is. Yet, he’s a really good friend. He’s amazing company and such a character.
I told this to one of the girls I am currently rooming with, with whom I have also really made a connection with.
The walls are paper thin. I have this feeling that he heard my conversation.
We then went to a Barbeque as a group and his attitude towards me was completely different. I don’t know if it is me being delusional or paranoid. But I also don’t see any justification for his actions.
I start to think about my new conception of love. I start to think about my conception of marriage now that I have Rene. Which I decided a acouple of months back that marriage to me now means comfort. If I was to marry, would not marry for love; I have Rene.
I start to think about Dan. He’s such an incredible person to have discussions with. Nothing spiritual or abstract sometimes I wonder if he can even get that deep. He’s such an oblivious being it’s funny. He’s such a character; I can watch him all day and be highly entertained. He’s incredibly smart. He’s funny and has a great laugh. He’s not very affectionate. He’s not very caring. He’s not very aware. He doesn’t give compliments. He’s very goofy and childish at times. But I see that changing. I see him maturing. And I fear that I may be feeling confused here.
Afterall, I will be spending 10 days alone with him in Croatia.
Who knows what might happen.